| Kissing Disease
What's the disease that you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. Apparently it's untweetable. |
Are You My Son?
I was eating at the food court in the mall the other day , when I noticed
an old man staring at a teeneager who was sitting beside him. The teenager
had a mohawk colored in rainbow colors: red, orange, blue, purple, and green.
Every time the teenager looked over he noticed that the old man was staring
at him.
Finally when he couldn't take it any more he asked, ''Whats the matter
old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?''
The old man didn't bat an eye. He replied ''I got drunk and had sex with a parrot
once and I was just wondering if you were my son''.
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| The Movie-Going Parrot
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet parrot, Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes!"
"I'm sorry, sir," Said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge!" whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out!" whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it." said Marge. "Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all!"
"I thought so, too," said Mildred, "but this ones eatin' my popcorn!" |
Is this Heaven?
A man found himself walking along a road with his parrot on his shoulder.
He remembered dying and knew that his parrot was dead too.
Soon he came to a golden gate. He saw a
man at a desk and asked, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Come right in."
"Can my bird come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man shook his head, and continued on his way.
After awhile he came to a rickety farm gate. He saw a man nearby, leaning against a tree.
"Excuse me!" he called, "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed. "Come on in."
"How about my parrot?"
"No problem, there should be a T-stand with a water dish by the pump."
He asked, "What do you call this place?"
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"That's odd, the man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"The place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Why do you let them use your name like that?"
"They screen out the folks who would leave their birds behind."
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| Signs Your Bird Has Learned Your Internet Password
10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Beaky.
9. Traces of Nutri-berries® in your keyboard.
8. You`ve been subscribed to newgroups like alt.recreational.birdtoy.
7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.parrot.com/.
6. Your mouse has beak marks in it .
5. Hate-mail sent to Apple Computer Corp. re their release of "CyberCat.
4. Your new keyboard has a strange green and white spots on it.
3. You keep finding new software like BirdinTax and WarBird II.
2. On IRC you're known as the Ironbeak.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Bird Has Learned Your Internet Password...
1. There are little birdy carpal-tunnel braces near the play gym. |
Signs Your Parrot was Previously Owned by a Celebrity
8. You come home from work one day and find all the crackers gone and the Betty Ford Clinic on speed dial.
7. "*BRO-KAW* Dan Rather sucks! *BRO-KAW*"
6. "What is: Polly wants a cracker?"
5. It wears a multi-colored ribbon to promote French Moult Awareness.
4. "Dude, where's my cracker?"
3. He doesn't SAY much, but he insists on wearing trunks and you keep finding pieces of human ear in his cage.
2. "When I say, 'Squawk,' I want you to hit it and quit! Hit it and quit! Ready? SQUAWK!"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Parrot Was Previously Owned By a Celebrity...
1. Can recite the Ten Commandments, but they're oddly punctuated by the sound of semi-automatic gunfire. |
| Don't Talk to the Parrot Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque." Don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, for any reason, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
"Get him, Spike!" |
Flight Service A guy gets on an airplane and is seated across the aisle from a parrot. After take-off, the guy politely asks the stewardess for a drink. At the same time, the parrot says "Hey lady, get me a drink and get it now!" The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, but forgets to bring the guy's drink. So again, the guy politely asks for a drink. The stewardess turns to get the drink, but as she walks down the aisle the parrot yells, "Hey lady, I want some peanuts and I want them right now!" The flustered stewardess returns a few minutes later with the peanuts, but once again forgets the guy's drink. Finally the guy looks at the stewardess and shouts "Bring me a Bleepin' drink on the Double!"
The stewardess runs down the aisle, and a few minutes later two big burly guys come up the aisle, grab the guy and the parrot and toss them both out the back door of the plane. As the guy begins to plummet to the ground, the parrot turns to him and says "Pretty mouthy for someone who can't fly, aren't you?"
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| What If An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "What would you get?" The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet." |
Talent Show A man brought his parrot to a late-night talk show knowing that the show was always looking for offbeat guests. He told the emcee, "If you pull his left leg, he'll sing Camptown Races. If you pull his right leg, he'll sing Swanee River". The emcee asked, "What if you pull both legs?" The parrot popped up, "I fall off the damn perch, you dummy!".
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| The Parrot is Really Dead A woman brought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary hospital. She laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but as I said, your parrot is most definitely dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20,
but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan - What did you expect?" |
The Misbehaving Parrot So there's this fella with a parrot. And he has this parrot and he swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a streak of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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| Bad Language A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith." |
The Multilingual Parrot A fellow passed by a pet shop and saw a parrot that
cost $1500.
He asked why it cost so much and the salesman told him that the parrot could speak five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims the man. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.
The fellow figured, his mom lives in the projects in the Bronx,
all alone so he'd send her the parrot to keep her company. He paid
the $1500 and had the store deliver the parrot to his mother.
The next day he called her up, "Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" "Oh son, it was delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, and it came out great!"
"But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!"
"Oy vey - then why didn't he say something?" |
The Disbelieving Parrot A newly married couple was spending their honeymoon in the
Seychelles. One morning they bought a brightly colored parrot and took it back to their hotel room.
Unfortunately, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making. After a few days of this the annoyed
groom flung a blanket over it's cage and shouted: "If I hear one more word out of you, I'm taking you down to the zoo and leaving you there!"
On the last day of their honeymoon, the couple was packing their clothes prior to departure. They had bought so many souvenirs that they had great
difficulty in closing the last suitcase. They decided that one of them should stand on it whilst the other one attempted to close it. "Darling,"
said the groom, "you get on top and I'll try". This proved unsuccessful, so the groom said, "Wait a minute - I'll get on top and you try." This
didn't work either, so the groom in desperation said, "Look, darling, let's both get on top and try!"
At this point, the parrot whipped the blanket off its cage and squawked, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"
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The Parrots' Prayer A lonely priest decided to get a parrot for a pet. He envisioned teaching the parrot to say the Lords Prayer or the rosary.
The local pet store had a parrot for sale, but the owner warned that the parrot only says " Hi, I'm Mary Magdeline & I'm a prostitute". The priest said, "This is no problem, I'll teach the parrot new words.
After trying and trying to no avail, one day the priest ran into another priest who had two parrots who would not only recite the rosary, but could also hold the rosary beads. This priest also tried to help the parrot say something other than "Hi, I'm Mary Magdeline and I'm a prostitute", but had no luck either.
Finally, they decided to put the one parrot in the cage with the two parrots so that the two could teach the one to recite the rosary.
After putting the parrot in the cage, as expected, it said "Hi, I'm Mary Magdeline, and I'm a prostitute".
The two parrots still holding the rosary beads, smiled and looked to the heavens and said "Alleluia, our prayers have been answered!" |
The Parrot & the Grapes One day a parrot walked up to the counter inside a convenience store. The parrot said to the clerk "Got any grapes." "No" replied the store clerk. The parrot smiled and walked out of the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yelled, "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I'll nail your claws to the floor!" The parrot smiled and walked out of the store. Later during the day, the parrot returned to the store and asked the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!" The parrot replied, "Good! Got any grapes?"
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The Magician After much competition,a very talented magician had just obtained a job performing on a luxury cruise ship.
Each night his pet parrot interrupted and spoiled his performance by saying "It's up his sleeve", "It's in his pocket" "It's in his shoe", etc, etc.
One night while performing the act, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The fortunate magician was able to grab onto one of the ship's planks, and along with his parrot, floated on the sea.
The first few days that the wood drifted, the parrot just starred at the magician looking puzzled. On the 4th day the bewildered parrot looked at his master and said "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
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The Plumber has Arrived A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock to fix the sink. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands.
While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?" "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber, come to fix the sink." |
Can he talk?
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so
he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher
and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope
this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only
to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept
bidding against you?"
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Question: Who do you call when your parrot falls off his perch?
Answer: The Parrot-Medics
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